He doesn’t mean to hit me.
Why do you stay?
I love him.
He hits you, calls you names and treats you like garbage, but you love him. How is that?
He loves me. I know he does. When he has a bad day, sometimes he just erupts and I’m the one who he takes it out on.
Why do you deserve to be hit?
He doesn’t do it that often. He always feels terrible after he cools down.
And he hits your kids?
He is their father; he screams more than he hits.
And you still stay with him?
Does this sound familiar? Do you live in a similar situation? Why do you stay? What possible good can come out of this for you or your children?
You do realize, what kids experience growing up is what they will consider as their “normal” in their adulthood. If daddy is screaming at momma, calling her names, tossing her around like a rag doll, the little apples will not fall far from the family tree.
If your son sees this, he will most likely repeat the behavior of the father. If it’s your daughter, guess what kind of man she is going to bring home? A man just like her dear old daddy. We continue this crazy behavior because this is all we learned within the walls of our childhood!
From the daughter’s eyes, to be loved, she will need to be tossed around and called names because nothing says “I love you” like a good beating. Or, if you are the son, there is no better way to say “I love you” than to kick the tar out of your wife when you have a bad day.
This programming begins long before the computer comes into the world. From long before it opens its tiny eyes, the hardware is revving its engine, cogs turning, wheels spinning; meanwhile, the software is like a sponge, absorbing every letter, code, sound, and microscopic experience. What is lived in their presence is what they know. Period.
The difference between me and many others that might have an opinion on how to handle the above situation, I’m pretty hardcore and, my answers are pretty plain and simple, black and white. I don’t sugarcoat my feelings.
To the woman in the story, I would say, “leave – now.” She would then give me all the excuses (reasons) why she can’t and how she HAS to stay. I would then tell her that if she doesn’t leave and get those children out immediately, she will destroy their lives.
By staying with this man, your daughter will believe that to be loved, “I need to find a man who will treat me like crap, just like you mom. He needs to be in charge and always keep reminding me that I am lower than pond scum.” Or your son, “I need to find a woman who cannot love herself. I will remind her of her lack-of-worth by treating her like crap and beating her just to keep her down.”
I can be a hard ass with my opinions because… been there, done that! I’ve been far below pond scum. Watching my mother marry abusive and disgusting men repeatedly well qualified me for the role. Fortunately, I graduated from pond scum and quickly moved up the ladder. I’ve worked my butt off to change my hard-wired programming. I’ve been in their shoes, and I know, sometimes you need to hear brutally honest words. Often, it takes an earthquake to make someone listen.
When I was trying to figure out how to get out of my emotionally abusive marriage, if I had one powerful person come to me and slap me across the face with a reality check, I would have been slapped into consciousness! I would have left long before. Sadly, when you are pond scum, the people you surround yourself with are, guess what… pond scum! I didn’t know any strong or healthy people.
If he hits you, calls you names, ignores you, doesn’t respect you, leave. Period. What’s the worst that could happen? You stay, nothing will ever change for you or your future. You leave, you’ve jumped off a cliff. You will soar, and you will land. You will have a new perspective. With this move you will show your children that you refuse to be treated poorly. Hold your head high and trust the process. You will be okay. Everything has a way to work itself out. Especially if you are a fighter.
We are all in charge of our destinations and our level of happiness…
There is no excuse for abuse. If you stay, I won’t feel sorry for you. I watched my mom stay – hit after hit, bruise after bruise. With each punch, she took away a little bit more of my childhood and innocence. If you stay, I can confirm you are weak and have never learned how to begin to love yourself. If you leave, you will automatically begin to grow a pair. It will happen because you mustered up enough strength to take that first step.
I can write an entire book about warm and fuzzy ways to make your miserable life feel better, but in the end, if you are not happy, get the hell out. It’s a matter of fact and 100% accurate; we are all in charge of our destinations and our level of happiness. If you choose misery and living with that painful gut-gnawing feeling day in and day out, best of luck to you. If you opt to turn your life around, decide to be nothing but happy and walk out that door, the rest of your life will fall beautifully into place.