We’ve all heard the sayings, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” or “God helps those who help themselves” right? I think the theme here is… the only behavior we can control is our own. Sound about right? It’s totally true.
It saddens me in a huge way to know you have put your life on hold to help her. Somewhere inside, you believe that if you stick it out, eventually she will come around and see the light. I told you in person but I want to reiterate once again, I know I am right. She will never change. She is exactly where she needs to be. Chaos is her happy place!
I came from extreme chaos. Insanity is all I knew; it was my normal. My family was beyond dysfunctional. There was no way I could have ever imagined what life would be like to be in a “normal family.” I couldn’t fathom what that would look like.
The only behavior we can control is our own
There was a voice inside of my head as far back as I can remember telling me “it doesn’t have to be this way.” As much as I wanted to believe it, I had no idea how to turn my life around and remove my painful childhood as my barometer.
After I found my first self-help book and started reading about how other people survived, it lit a fire inside of me. Just the first few pages gave me the drive I needed to climb out of my dungeon from hell. It took me many years and a whole lot of pain to set myself free, but I did it. In the end, it was the absolute hardest thing I ever did, but I am far beyond on the other side. It’s almost unimaginable that I came from the place I did!
She came from chaos and insanity. She is not going to budge. All she has ever known is dysfunction, and as much as she may talk about what she wants to do, she won’t do anything. Try to imagine her taking off on her own with enough money and a life ahead of her; anything she would imagine could be hers. What do you think she would do? I mean seriously imagine her as an independent woman with the world being her oyster. Now are you getting what I mean? She wouldn’t know what to do with herself. She will never, ever try.
You are in the prime of your life right now. You have a heart of gold. You put the needs of everyone else in front of your own. You have a partner with a beautiful soul right next to you, loving you and sharing life with you. Do you want to base your future on what happens to her? Don’t let her be the thing that comes between you and your future. How long are you going to hang around before you realize it’s time to take care of yourself?
I put my life on hold for her once. I promised her that if she gave it a chance for just a year, the way she looked at life through her lens would change dramatically. She just couldn’t do it. Within two months she jumped right back into crazy. She simply didn’t even want to try. She lives in crazy, and she will never leave crazy. You have to believe me. It’s for your own good.
She lives in crazy, and she will never leave crazy
It took her a lifetime to create the life she is living. I have never seen her happy, nor have I ever seen her leave a bad situation. She has to stay and stew and be miserable. I know you feel that it is your duty to hang around and continue to try to save her, but it is not! Our time on Earth is to be spent moving forward, not going backward or pressing the pause button. You need to get out, and you need to get out now.
As a parent, it is my job to teach my daughter as much as I can and then kick her out of the nest so she can stumble her way to flight. Once she leaves the nest, she is never to look back and think she has any responsibility for raising her parents. We are the parents. It is our job to make sure we have our golden years and beyond handled. It will never land upon her shoulders to become our parent and take care of us. Life isn’t supposed to be circular, it is a forward motion. One day she will have a family of her own. She will teach her children the same thing. It will continue to move forward.
It is not your fault that she is holding you and your life hostage, it’s all you know. But it is your responsibility to accept the reality that she cannot be saved. She doesn’t want to be saved. She doesn’t know how to live any other way and believe me, she will never try. Without her daily crazy, she wouldn’t survive. She doesn’t know how!
You have a dream of the beautiful area where you want to live. Grab your partner and go. Stop working on the house that will keep you stuck where you are now. Get out. Cut your losses and head west. You don’t have kids to worry about yet. Pack up the car and get out and start living!
Just know that a healthy or “normal” person would insist that you do just that. They wouldn’t allow you to put your life on hold in hopes of changing their direction. They would insist that you get out and start your life.
You will still love her and hope for the best for her, but life is too short to live it for someone else. Sell the land, get on the road and find that dream the two of you need to create together. Imagine the possibilities, the places you will see, the place you will land and the family you will start. This my dear is what family and future should be about.